Last week, I took a week off from this column. My paying job got in the way of my non-paying job. To avoid violating attorney-client privilege, which contrary to popular belief in Northeast Mississippi does not mean you get a lawyer to do legal work for you and then you have the privilege of not paying him, I won’t get into specifics other than to say the moon may have been a crescent in the sky but it was full in the hearts of every would-be petty criminal and serial adulterer within a forty mile radius.
I’ve written through illness, vacations and a little league baseball season, but nothing dominates your time quite like Tishomingo Countians making bad decisions. But, tonight, after an evening that featured both a school board and a city board meeting, I’m hanging up my lawyer boots for a couple of hours. Yes, I’m back in the saddle again. I’m climbing back on the horse. I’m not going to try and switch horses in midstream … okay, I’m realizing there are a lot of idioms about horses. I’m going to climb off my high horse and stop.
Just kidding - you know wild horses couldn’t drag me away from running a joke in the ground. I sense you may be about to set your newspaper on fire if I don’t stop this gag, so I’ll pull the reins. Just hold your horses.
Getting back to the local criminal element, they already started rolling yards in beautiful, (formerly) crime-free Iuka. Yard rolling or TPing a house is the act of covering a tree or property in multiple rolls of toilet paper. In most parts of the country, this can be a prank or an act of revenge. At Auburn University, they roll their own town when they win a football game, which tells you all you need to know about Auburn University. To be honest, as a humble county prosecutor I’ll admit I’m not an expert on the castle doctrine, which is the legal theory that more or less says you can use deadly force to defend your home or property, but I’m pretty sure it means I can at least taze the kids that rolled my yard on October 1st. Sure, those delinquents weren’t committing a felony on my property - rolling a yard is misdemeanor littering at best - but they did commit an aggravated assault on my enjoyment of the Autumn season. I mean, if I’m getting rolled on October 1st, it’s not going to happen less the closer we get to Halloween. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that every Saturday and early Sunday morning this October I’m going to be on the top rung of a rickety stepladder picking damp two-ply out of a pine tree. Seriously, I should at least get to pepper spray these outlaws.
Some of you readers originally from out of town might be reading this thinking, “Which law enforcement agency is leading the investigation into this defacing of a beloved public official’s property?!” Man, in Iuka, Mississippi rolling yards in October is like The Purge. It’s all legal - anything goes, from Charmin to Quilted Northern. Everybody is in on it, whether they’re on the A & B Honor Roll or the Youth Court Docket. Police officers will drive by a yard rolling in progress with little more than a “don’t forget to get the Bradford Pears by the house.” Some communities have fall traditions like hay rides or bobbing for apples; Tishomingo County went with light to moderate vandalism.
For those of you thinking, “Lighten up, dude, it’s just kids having fun,” please allow me to counter with, “The best part of fall is that I’m supposed to have LESS yardwork.” Maybe I’m peeved because it hurts more now to bend over or even reach out. I pulled a muscle reaching for the remote on the couch the other day. I shouldn’t be climbing trees. I guess you could say, when it comes to yard rolling, this old horse just has a burr under his saddle.