Welcome to Mississippi in February, where it’s sixty degrees now because of course it is. Last week it was so cold I was Googling “Jobs in Venezuela If You Don’t Speak …
Welcome to Mississippi in February, where it’s sixty degrees now because of course it is. Last week it was so cold I was Googling “Jobs in Venezuela If You Don’t Speak Spanish” (spoiler alert: there aren’t many). Now, the last few days the temperature could only be described by a word rarely uttered by Mississippi meteorologists: pleasant. We don’t get many pleasant days weather-wise in Mississippi. Mississippi weather goes hard. It’s the old guy in the back of the crowd who yells at every band he sees to, “play some Skynyrd”, even when he’s repeatedly reminded that this is his nephew’s seventh grade band concert. Usually, we yo-yo from sunburn to frostbite. Mississippi weather, like our diet, is not for the faint of heart - although eating our biscuits and gravy more than four times a week can cause a condition known as heart fainting. I’m starting to wonder if Mississippi weather isn’t just an agitated toddler - whatever it is he’s supposed to do, he’s going to do the opposite just to be difficult. Are you not finding this sixty-degree February weather difficult? Just think of the buttercup massacre we’re going to have when the temperature inevitably falls back to freezing. The pleasing spring flower buttercups, their yellow blooms normally signifying spring has sprung, are going to be frozen soon, laid out on the ground like a still photograph of the aftermath of the Battle of Antietam.
February isn’t really a month known for its great traditions, except maybe the February tradition where the children of the community all say their nightly prayers in unison for a snow day. In beautiful, crime-free Iuka, a snow day is when the local school district shuts down because it has snowed anywhere from one to six … millimeters. Those poor, unfortunate people who live up North might scoff at our snow panic. Like, in Syracuse, New York, the buses run on time if it snows seven inches overnight. In Tishomingo County, Mississippi, if there’s white in a school board member’s front yard at 6 AM, we’ll be lucky to be back in school within the week. A good dusting and we are calling on the Governor to declare a national disaster. And GOOD LUCK on getting any milk and bread from the grocery store. Sometimes I wonder if, when their stock is low, the folks at Wonder Bread don’t slip the meteorologists at WTVA a few bucks to give a 30% chance of ice, just to start a run on processed carbs in Northeast Mississippi. It doesn’t matter if you are allergic to wheat or lactose intolerant - the minute there’s a threat of snow or ice you are clearing out the multigrain and 2% at the Piggly Wiggly. And, boy, you’d better pray you don’t get snowed in with other people because pretty soon you are going to be in serious gastrointestinal distress. “It’s the ice on the roads,” some will say as a reason for all the over-precaution. Of course, we live in an area where approximately 85% of the male population drives a 4 x 4 truck, you’d think a little inclement weather wouldn’t worry us.
There will be no snow days this week. It’s sixty degrees. In February. This weather is going to make us all think we are menopausal. Don’t worry, this week is just a flash. We’ll be back to freezing soon. Buy your Wonder Bread stock now while it’s low.
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