Mis-Announcing the Coming of Christmas 

by Nate Clark, Town Cryings
Posted 12/7/22

Last Friday, as it does every first Friday in December, beautiful, crime-free Iuka, Mississippi held its annual Christmas parade. The temperature was downright mild and the rain held off. We have had …

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Mis-Announcing the Coming of Christmas 

Posted

Last Friday, as it does every first Friday in December, beautiful, crime-free Iuka, Mississippi held its annual Christmas parade. The temperature was downright mild and the rain held off. We have had some parades in the past where the rain was so bad only the most dedicated of parade entries braved the journey. Who are the most determined parade entries? The mommas of the young beauty pageant winners, of course! They ain’t going to let a little drizzle rob their 18-month-and-younger beauty of riding propped up on the back of a borrowed Camaro bumping Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer louder than that song was ever meant to be played. 

The Iuka Christmas parade is famous, of course, for always ending with Santa Claus riding on top of the municipal fire truck. Lord knows there would be a lot of disappointed children if there was ever a house fire during the Christmas parade. I would hope they wouldn’t drop Santa off and have him walk the rest of the way, as traditionally several horse riders trot just before Santa on the fire truck. And no one wants to march behind a bunch of horses, as the presents they drop aren’t wrapped in a box and stepping in a big enough pile of it will make you cuss so much you end up on your own naughty list. 

I announce the parade every year from the judges’ stand. Not only does this give me the best view of the parade, it also lets me hear every time an entrant yells at me when I mispronounce their name. Real talk here, folks, you want people to say your name correctly? Don’t have a weird name. Like, you have a name with three vowels and they’re all “y”? Change your name to Susan or Jill like an American. You named after a lake in Scotland or a South American fruit? I’m sorry your parade registration form didn’t come with a pronunciation guide. It’s not my fault your parents wanted to be unique. That’s why when people see you on the sidewalk they say, “There you are” or “Hey … you.” They don’t want to learn your dumb name. I refuse to be shamed about it. And, if I mispronounce your child’s name? Report yourself to child protective services because some of these names y’all are giving these kids - I mean, are you going to hire an accountant not named something boring? Some of these names are only used by people who follow jam bands around the country. John Wayne had a boring name. Heck, he had two boring names! You know a boy’s name that’s not boring? Marion. Which was John Wayne’s real first name … UNTIL HE CHANGED IT!

I feel myself veering off into Scrooge territory, so let me get back on track with a thank you: this year the Iuka Pentecostal Church loaned their sound system to the city, complete with setup and take down, for the parade. That has to be a strong church, because I’ve seen congregations splinter over who gets to mess with the church sound system. Nothing will get a preacher on the skids with the flock quicker than adjusting levels that have been taped down. A taped down soundboard is basically the 11th through the 15th Commandments. I mean, it’s honor thy father and mother and don’t turn up the choir’s treble. The difference between a church’s bass levels is the difference between a church revival and a church schism. So, a big thank you to Iuka Pentecostal.  

My mispronunciations never sounded so good.