Town Cryin's

Buc-ees: A Survival Guide

by Nate Clark, Town Cryings
Posted 12/14/22

We are basically one week until Christmas here in Northeast Mississippi. For those of you who don’t regularly work in the local criminal courts, it’s the time of year where the lyrics to …

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Town Cryin's

Buc-ees: A Survival Guide

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We are basically one week until Christmas here in Northeast Mississippi. For those of you who don’t regularly work in the local criminal courts, it’s the time of year where the lyrics to I’ll Be Home for Christmas mean you get your bond lowered for anything less than an aggravated assault charge.
Y‘all are having your work Christmas parties that pretend to be fun by doing Dirty Santa, when an actual appropriate gift would be to spend less time with the weirdos you work with. It would especially be nice to not have them harbor resentment for you into the new year for you stealing their Armor All Complete Car Detailing Bucket Set, leaving them to pick Charlene’s candle she makes at home that’s supposed to smell like deciduous fir but smells more like distasteful foot.
It’s only a few days before your church’s youth Christmas program and, believe me, whoever is in charge of that is one missed cue away from an absolute nervous breakdown. In the hopes of avoiding more mental health episodes, I thought I’d offer some advice to make the Christmas season a little less stressed. If you’re going on a road trip to see family, whatever you do, fight your Tishomingo Countian instinct and avoid losing two hours of your trip stopping at a Buc-ee’s.
For those of you who haven’t done a lot of interstate traveling throughout the South and Southwest over the last few years, Buc-ee’s is a giant convenience store chain, although I use the word “convenience” in it’s most liberal sense.
It’s really more of a roadside Disney World for retired travelers with loose itineraries. It is famous for having hundreds of gas pumps, massive food options and more bathroom space than a New Orleans street (a New Orleans street being the only comparison for large bathroom because in New Orleans any spot on a public street can and has been used as a toilet before and will again next Mardi Gras).
You can basically fit two Piggly Wigglys in a Buc-ees, which is a lot of wiggling piggies. A Buc-ee’s in Texas has the world’s longest car wash. The previous world’s longest car wash being, of course, rain. Because that’s the only time my sainted wife “washes” her car is when it rains - she calls it nature’s car wash. You may be saying, well, Nate, a good husband might wash his wife’s car for her. But, a good husband also eschews traditional gender roles and I would hate to insult her womanhood by running errands for her during my weekend nap time.
But I digress.
Returning from my sister-in-law’s home in Florida over Thanksgiving, the Clark family stopped at our first Buc-ees. It was … chaotic.
The parking lot had the calm and organization of a European soccer riot. Walking into - I don’t want to say ‘store’- walking into the complex, it was like walking into a WalMart the minute the doors opened on Black Friday. And Black Friday happened every day of the year.
And if everybody in line for Walmart Black Friday was a badger hopped up on amphetamines.
My 10 year-old was excited for the advertised a “Wall of Beef Jerky” but I think was a little disappointed that it was a wall with packaged jerky hanging as opposed to an actual wall made of dried meat. I had to tell him a structure with a meat wall would never pass code, whether it would be building inspection or health department.
In the middle of this monstrosity there is always a carving station that makes Buc-ee’s famous brisket sandwiches. They must sell thousands of these sandwiches a day - with no seating! People just drive in through the Thunderdome of a parking lot, get their brisket sandwich, and drive onto destinations trying not get sauce on their shirts.
If this is truly the way to get thousands of customers in your business, after the New Year the Clark Law Firm will have a meat carving station in the lobby where the copy machine used to be.
The neckties lost to barbecue sauce will be a small price to pay.