Town Cryin's

A snowball’s chance in Los Angeles

by Nate Clark, Town Cryings
Posted 3/1/23

Another week of eighty-degree February weather in beautiful, crime-free Iuka, Mississippi, and something has to break soon - while I was sitting down to type this column, I pulled a tick off myself. …

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Town Cryin's

A snowball’s chance in Los Angeles

Posted

Another week of eighty-degree February weather in beautiful, crime-free Iuka, Mississippi, and something has to break soon - while I was sitting down to type this column, I pulled a tick off myself. The only thing winter used to be good for in Mississippi was a respite from all bug-related harassment. Now, Hothands hand warmers are going bankrupt because WalMart has replaced them on its shelves with extra cans of Deep Woods Off. The only fires burning in Tishomingo County aren’t to keep warm, they’re to keep mosquitoes away. Speaking of mosquitoes, with no winter weather to kill them off, mosquitoes are going to get so big they aren’t going to sneak up to bite you in the back of the neck, they’re going to start robbing us at gunpoint.
And us Southerners are not the only ones suffering through an out-of-season season: it’s apparently snowing in Los Angeles. Some of you might not know this but I spent four years of my twenties living in LA (and I don’t mean lower Alabama). I know that place and it is not built for real winters. Southern California culture is centered on the premise that - outside of Laker basketball - socks are completely unnecessary. I mean, the Beach Boys didn’t write any songs about snowboarding for a reason. Have you seen what a few pounds of snow can do to the convertible soft top of a Mercedes? Angelenos can’t handle driving in the rain - if it snows much more I expect Hollywood to resort to cannibalism by spring break. At least that will help with the traffic come the thaw.
In other news, this week ended the local little league baseball signups. So, that means the most cutthroat, mean-spirited competition known to man is about to begin: little league draft day. Oh, I’m sure some of you think little league teams are split so that all the children get a fair shake and a chance to learn how to win and how to lose with class; that learning an appreciation of the game along with the fundamentals is what a little league season is all about.
Bless your hearts.
Little league baseball is about vanquishing your foes and hearing the lamentations of their loved ones. More planning has gone into some Iuka little league baseball drafts than in the Allied invasion of Normandy. Those draft sheets will be full of cousins that, while they won’t acknowledge each other on the playground - much less family reunions - suddenly have to be on the same team together so their sick old granddaddy can see them play for one last season before he goes (never mind this granddaddy is 53 and can only go to a limited amount of games not because of health but rather that’s all he could negotiate under the terms of his house arrest). Sometimes, the dads of the three best players in the league will all happen to want to coach a team together. And they will swear, under oath, that was a spontaneous idea and there was no collusion. It would be a good idea to stay away from those fathers in the event of lightning. Also, I’m not saying there’s a little tomfoolery going on with the birth certificates in the past, but forget patchy mustaches, some of these “kids” that have played league ball have had gray in their beards.
I’m just saying one little league team shouldn’t be the All-Star team, while the other two teams … well, I don’t want to be rude, but maybe they are good at math or something. Best of luck to the boys of summer, especially in this summer of a winter.